My Testimony

I have grown up in a loving Christian home my entire life. My home situation has been a beautiful thing, and I know how blessed I am to have that as my experience. However, even though growing up on solid foundations, the enemy likes to come in and put a film over our eyes, so that we cannot see everything we have.

I had always been one of those overly dramatic kids, where everything anyone did that slightly annoyed me, would be made into a bigger deal than it needed to be. Why am I telling you this? Well, this behavior leads to me getting into trouble, like a lot. Multiple times a day, actually. I would say something I shouldn't have, or lie (I'm a terrible liar so I would always get caught) There were always multiple things. I remember going to bed some nights and thinking, "You only got into trouble once today...not bad." And I would be so proud of myself. At first, when this pattern started I didn't care, I figured I would "mature" one of these days and get over it.

But pretty soon that care-free mindset, made it so changes never happened, and these ways became a habit to me. I would catch myself being rude just because I could, saying the stupidest white lies every day just so I could get out of things, and caring grudges in my heart towards my family, that would lead to me blowing up in anger at them over the littlest issues.

My mom and I at LEAST once a week would have confrontations that would sometimes extend for hours on end. The amazing thing about my momma is that she wouldn't let anything slide. At first, and at the moment, it was kind of the worst. But thinking back I am so grateful for it. My mom knows me unlike any other person, and she is so in tune with God's voice, that she would just know that when I did or said something, there were underlying issues. She wouldn't let me leave my room sometimes until I spent time with God and He revealed to me what the issue is. He always did. And after those long talks, I always felt better, and I always got better. But part of me would always seem to drift back to my old ways. I would be flying high on the new truths about myself, and God, then seem to forget and go back to who I used to be. It became exhausting, and I felt like I was trapped, and couldn't get out.

Anxiety began to creep in, and there would be some nights I couldn't sleep, for the anxious feeling of never being enough would fill my stomach and make me feel as though I wanted to just escape somehow. On some occasions, It would grow so bad that I would think I did need to throw up, and I would try, to no avail. Then depression would come, and I would just lay in my bed, not feeling like I could do anything with my day. I knew in my heart, what I was feeling wasn't from God, but I didn't know how to fix it, I had tried for so long, and I always seemed to fail. It was this helpless feeling that I cannot put into words. I needed some sense of personal stability in my life, it needed to be something that I could do well and on my own. So, I figured that if throughout all this, If I kept my exterior together, I would appear like a good person who had things together. If I couldn't figure out what was going on on the inside, I could at least get my outside together, right?

So that's when I started fixating on how I looked. I would always try to "look good" wherever I went, stay on top of fashion, wear makeup even when I wasn't allowed to just so I could feel better about myself like I was doing something to help me. But all this did was lead me down a path of comparison, where now I didn't match everyone else beauty, and I was inferior. This obviously didn't help, and things only got worse, and my self-esteem plummeted.

One day we watched a movie, and the main actress, who I thought was so beautiful, had one thing that set her apart from other girls, bangs! So, I thought maybe If I cut bangs, I too would be beautiful. Makes sense right?! So in hopes of transforming myself into that beautiful actress, I cut bangs. And anyone who knows me knows how bad of a choice that was.

Nothing I did seemed to help, and now, I looked even worse. I was about twelve years old, almost thirteen, at the time, and I had a breakdown, maybe about the bangs, or possibly about something else, but I was a mess. Again my mom came to the rescue, and she had me do an "assignment." I was to take out a pen and paper, and write what God was saying over me. I went into a quiet place, and I stared at the piece of paper for a long time, and in my heart, I felt like it was stupid, God wasn't going to talk to me! Then I heard him speak to me. Goosebumps overtook my body, and tears flowed as I started to write what I heard him say, when I finished I felt so warm and loved, and more peaceful than I had been in my entire life. I knew it had to be God because when I re-read what I had written, I would have never said those things about me.

It was then that I realized God's unending love for me. It is not a made-up fantasy; it is as real as the air we breathe, and it is beautiful. I remember laying in bed one night, wide-eyed, not sleeping, and telling God that I chose to have Him in my life, that I was choosing to live for Him, and that I needed Him more than anything, and I didn't want to live this life apart from Him. I began to realize that my worth and identity belongs to God and that my performance has nothing to do with my acceptance. Everything changed. For the record, It didn't happen right away. I still messed up. I still had my habits, but they didn't seem as big of a deal to me, now that I knew God thought I was amazing anyway.

I began to notice that God delighted to answer my prayers, and I would ask him for things, and He gave them to me every time. He gave me back my conscience, and I could no longer lie. He gave me back my dignity, and I could no longer look at myself with hate. He gave me back my worth, and I could no longer doubt my own value. Guys, everything changed. Between the ages thirteen and fourteen, I began to grow out my bangs, and thinking back it was like a symbol of my own personal change. I don't have to copy anyone anymore, I could be myself.

To be where I am today is amazing to me, and without God, I would still be fighting myself. I now know that I don't have to change myself for anyone, I don't have to look good to be loved, I don't have to be perfect to be made perfect by the blood of Jesus, and I can walk in truth for all the days of my life, knowing whose I am, and resting in that perfect place. I know now that life doesn't have to be perfect to be good, I can mess up, and there is grace for it. If you at all relate to this, just know that if God can do it once, He can do it again, and He wants to. You are His treasure, His delight, His pride and joy, and He longs to be with you. Know that He is always pursuing you, and thinks that YOU are incredible.